Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in thecryingeye's LiveJournal:

Monday, August 7th, 2006
4:49 pm	Back Hoo Haa! I'm back! Haven't been on here in a while! So lets see....Well broke up with Yaz last week. It broke her heart the poor girl but it was for the best. Went to a rave the other day, my first! It was a proper, middle of the woods event with loadsa glowy stuff everywhere tied round the trees and stuff. Danced all night (with a little assitance)and had a great time, the music was awesome -all top-notch psytrance. At the mo. I'm looking forward to Marcs par-tay on thursday! Meetin' up with the gang again (sorry I don't see you guys nearly as much as I should!) which is always good! Then there's Jess's do comin' up later this month! WOOT! Also gettin' my on compy soon, as soon as Dad and I get round to actually talking numbers....but that will RULE as I will no longer be competing with the rest of my family! Anyway that'll do for now, bye! (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
1:02 am	I am an angry person. I am going to see Children of Bodom tomorrow. Well, today really, and I have these black cloud hanging over everything because I know I have to work tomorrow. That unnamed feeling - haunting me again. This time only because I have to some cleaning around work. It's easy and it won't take long at all. SO what if I have to vacumme the edges of the shop or do some dusting? That's how I'd like to feel and yet it feels like I'm being forced to shove pins under my nails. I hate it because i know I won't be allowed to get on with it. It'll mean making a lot of noise, getting in everyones way and stopping every five minutes to serve a customer. I'll never be satisfied with the results and in the end it wont make a difference. So it'll probably mean picking something to dust that is actually worthwhile, which will probably be the wrong decision and then I'll be forced into a major guilt trip because I have no self-esteem what-so-ever. Ah well I least I KNOW how to do it well. I just hate working and all the little anxieties it brings. To make things worse I'm down to about half a joint's worth of hash and I won't be able to get any more for a week. That's great, my one real method of escapism, the one thing that really settles my brain down at night and it's gone. I am an angry person. Current Mood: nervous (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
11:26 pm	Restoring the balance It's interesting how material happiness can so easily penetrate unhappiness. Which is why I've become addicted to buying stuff like dvd's and cd's over the net. Such things always penetrate any depression I may be in. However it's a primitive unwholesome happiness; the opiotic effect of such thoughts wash over me like toilet spray over the smell of shit. Perhaps this is why it is so desirable to live a shallow materialistic life. The purchasing of something to further my artistic knowledge never fails to rebuild me sense of self. Passion rules reason. A law of life that rules all. I have found it to have two meanings, or rather a meaning with an unexpected implication. Passion rules reason. We are easily led by our emotions,and let our fears and love create their own truths for us. These feelings our powerful and so we do not question them. We refuse to betray our feelings by actually looking at reason, for we feel that this is to deny the truth - rather then address it. We can feel that by trying to ignore fear, guilt or anxiety we are not taking responsibility for the actions that led to the emotion. Thus we feel even more guilty and anxious if we question them. It can take a lot of prompting for any reason to have an impact. Thus the balls of the implication is that one cannot fight fear with logic for the two are incompatible. Passion does not understand reason. Gut instinct is the God inside us. So it is that we must change the emotion before truth can be realised. I've found that you cannot force someone in a state of depression to address the truth until they are in a good enough mood to face it. I've found myself saying things that are total lies, even things propagate the false truth the person I am trying to help is believing. Only after the person is in a good and most importantly confident will a person once again recognise reason. I apologise for really I should replace "we" and "one" with "I" in each case as I have no real proof of anyone else actually behaving under these laws. They apply to me and it appears often to be the case but in truth it us just speculation. In truth a person my only return to the depressed feelings when having to face the problem again. This is just a theory I came up with whilst depressed and drunk. I then pondered it for months and this is how far I got. all for now goodbye my pets. -Chris Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Winter Come by Covenant (Been listening to random industrial (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
11:53 pm	Hello, this is my boring little life. Entry 1: Work The feeling I have when I walk to work every morning is that of a sore ache in the pit of my stomach. It is as If I was being guided from my front door to the pharamacy where I work by a long length of barbed wire that passes through my gut. Every morning starts pretty much the same. Before I even open my eyes I'm in pain. The alarm sends an electric shock through my whole body. This is followed by that familiar burning ache that will stay with me for most of the morning. Everyday that is boring, tedious and repetitive be it school collage, work, a day off with nothing to do seems forever. Every time I check the clock I'm lucky if ten minutes has gone by, or if I'm at home it's all over before I realise I'm free. It's these days- being so unremarkable- that blur together; one day being the same as any other. Any single event you remember is simply adrift in a long past of nothingness. It could have happened today or a month ago, it's all the same. Thus results an odd phenomenon. The longer time seems to go by the time the shorter that space of time appears in recollection. I have no idea, instinctivly how long I've been working, just that it feels a long time; almost indefinitley, and yet I have nothing to recall of most of it. Only by counting the days and recalling events previous to my work, or noteworthy events seperate from work, do I mange to create a mental time scale. An hour or two at work sends me Into a catatonic, robatic state in which I lose al sense of personality and emotion. I thus live off pure primitve survival instinct. I don't care - I work to get paid and that's all. I have a complete lack of professional enthusiasum and a negative attitude that I'm trying to keep at bay least I end up actually losing my job. Thinking about work at the end of the weekend is particularly horrible, it brings on that same old curse of nausea and anxiety as I realise that in but a few short hours I will once again be called upon to become a robot for the better part of the day-existing in a cold void or perpetual numbness. That's all for now, don't worry my pets there is light at the end of the smog choked tunnel but of that I will talk in the next entry. Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: None (Comment on this)